I am not a perfect person. For the benefit of my husband, I'll repeat that. I am NOT a perfect person. Although I often like to believe I am, I have many a faults. I have a fast temper. I'm often socially inept. I'm terrible at making decisions. I love chocolate just a little too much. But the one thing I feel is my greatest fault is my inability to ask for help.
Maybe it's because I grew up an only child, with only myself to count on. Maybe it's just how I was raised. Who knows? Maybe it's just the way I was born. The fact is, though, that I hate asking for help. I first noticed the problem in college, but didn't think much of it. Lately, though, it's been on my mind.
Asking for help makes me feel two things: 1) I'm weak. I should be able to do all of this on my own. I don't need anyone to help me. I actually know where this one comes from. It comes from my Baba (grandma). She was such a strong woman, and she did so much on her own. She cooked and cleaned and fed two children, all in a country where she couldn't even read the language. That takes guts. But maybe, she had more help that I realized. Maybe her friends helped her get jobs, or her ex-husband helped her with child support. I don't know. I do know that I often wish I could be as independent as she.
2) I often fear that the people I'm asking help from will feel like they're being taken advantage of. A good portion of this fear comes from the fact that there are so few people that I will ask for help. I'm afraid that I've had to go to them too many times, and that they'll soon get frustrated and a little ticked off. I'm also afraid that I won't be able to repay the favor, and I'll always be living in debt...even if it's just emotional debt.
I've gotten by in life quite well without asking for a lot of help. Some I've done on my own, and some is help that was given without me asking (I love that kind). But what happens when I truly need help? If I can muster up the courage to ask, I often can't articulate what I truly want for fear of looking dumb or for fear of asking too much. I don't want to show my "weakness" my need, and if I do, I don't want people to think I'm selfish.
Just so you know, there's nothing I'm asking the blog world for other than an open ear and sometimes a few comments here and there. I really just wanted to share a little piece of me with you. I don't have the answer on how to make this better, but at least I can admit it's a problem. And, isn't that the first step to recovery? :)