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Thursday, February 10, 2011

My Greatest Fault

I am not a perfect person.  For the benefit of my husband, I'll repeat that.  I am NOT a perfect person.  Although I often like to believe I am, I have many a faults.  I have a fast temper.  I'm often socially inept.  I'm terrible at making decisions.  I love chocolate just a little too much.  But the one thing I feel is my greatest fault is my inability to ask for help.

Maybe it's because I grew up an only child, with only myself to count on.  Maybe it's just how I was raised.  Who knows?  Maybe it's just the way I was born.  The fact is, though, that I hate asking for help.  I first noticed the problem in college, but didn't think much of it.  Lately, though, it's been on my mind.

Asking for help makes me feel two things: 1) I'm weak.  I should be able to do all of this on my own.  I don't need anyone to help me.  I actually know where this one comes from.  It comes from my Baba (grandma).  She was such a strong woman, and she did so much on her own.  She cooked and cleaned and fed two children, all in a country where she couldn't even read the language.  That takes guts.  But maybe, she had more help that I realized.  Maybe her friends helped her get jobs, or her ex-husband helped her with child support.  I don't know.  I do know that I often wish I could be as independent as she. 

2) I often fear that the people I'm asking help from will feel like they're being taken advantage of.  A good portion of this fear comes from the fact that there are so few people that I will ask for help.  I'm afraid that I've had to go to them too many times, and that they'll soon get frustrated and a little ticked off.  I'm also afraid that I won't be able to repay the favor, and I'll always be living in debt...even if it's just emotional debt.

I've gotten by in life quite well without asking for a lot of help.  Some I've done on my own, and some is help that was given without me asking (I love that kind).  But what happens when I truly need help?  If I can muster up the courage to ask, I often can't articulate what I truly want for fear of looking dumb or for fear of asking too much.  I don't want to show my "weakness" my need, and if I do, I don't want people to think I'm selfish.

Just so you know, there's nothing I'm asking the blog world for other than an open ear and sometimes a few comments here and there.  I really just wanted to share a little piece of me with you.  I don't have the answer on how to make this better, but at least I can admit it's a problem.  And, isn't that the first step to recovery?  :)

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