When it comes to relationships, or at least the beginning of them, I have found that I am always a bit guarded. It takes a long time for me to start to trust someone, and even longer for me to completely trust someone. The more I like a person, the harder it is for me to trust that person. And, of course, once whatever trust was there has been broken, you can pretty much guarantee that it's never coming back. This doesn't mean that I won't be friendly, it just means that we can never have the relationship that we used to or that we might have had.
Obviously, this is a means of protection. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (or psychologist) to figure that out. But I sometimes wonder if it's normal. I mean, how much should I trust someone I don't know, or how much trust should I put in someone who's already broken my trust once? In this day and age, how much can you trust a stranger? While everyone is worthy of forgiveness, does forgiveness mean forgetting as well?
I ask for a few different reasons, but the one that really got me to post this blog concerns a friend of mine. I'll call her Amy. Amy and I have been friends for years. She was always one of the first people I'd see when I came home from college. We took trips together, laughed together, cried together. We'd been through a lot together.
Recently, however, Amy and I have been growing apart. And I don't just mean that our interests are differing. I mean our time together has felt odd. I feel that she doesn't want to be around me. Whenever I tried talking to her (about anything) I'd get short, one-word responses. I couldn't figure out what was going on.
So, I wrote Amy a letter. It wasn't an extremely long letter, but it was a letter that expressed how I felt. I told her that I felt as if we'd been growing apart. I told her I hoped I hadn't done anything to offend her. I told her that I would always be her friend and she should call on me if she ever needed anything. I tried to make it very clear that I wasn't trying to place blame, but that I was just concerned.
I know she got this letter because she sent me an email saying she'd respond soon. That was almost 2 months ago. In my book, that's definitely not soon. So, I'm wondering, what do I do now? I feel that my letter was me putting myself out there, and I'm hestitant to do that again. Part of me says, she's one of my best friends, I should do everything not to lose her. However, the other part of me says to just let it go. I'm not going to fight for someone who doesn't want to be my friend. I think the hardest part right now is not knowing where I stand. Does she still want to be my friend but doesn't know what to say, or is she sick of me and wants me to leave her alone? Am I overreacting or underreacting? I AM NOT A MIND READER!
I am writing this blog with full knowledge that "Amy" made read it. Part of me prays she does, so she knows more of how I feel. The other part of me is silently pleading her not to, because I'm afraid she'll get upset. Then really, should I be afraid of upsetting my friend when she's already upset me? It's so freakin' confusing! Any advice out there blogland? I'm so confused, and I'm sure Hans is tired of listening to me.