I almost didn't post this blog, because I really hate showing any sort of vulnerability. But, in this case I'm finding that being as honest with myself and with the people around me is really helpful. Anyway...
In my last post I wrote about being in the tornado. I mentioned it was my biggest fear, and it still is. So, being in my car in the middle of a tornado was my worst nightmare. I keep telling myself that the tornado was small (only an F0-F1), and that everyone is OK, but I still find I'm having trouble coping. The fact of the matter is that for the first time in my life, for a brief moment, I thought I was going to die. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it's true. I remember thinking, "I just wish I could be with Hans and Cody." I wanted to be inside, in the basement, with the people I love. If there hadn't been the damage there was, I probably would be just fine, but after seeing everything that happened I realized the severity of the situation. That's when I started shaking, and apparently the effects are longer-lasting than I'd anticipated. The past few days, I've hated being apart from Hans and Cody. When I'm home I just want to snuggle up, and when I'm gone I've taken to taking Cody with me.
To make matters worse, our foster, Tommy, was adopted yesterday. Tommy was a snuggle bug. When I was tired, he and Cody would cuddle up and let me rest. When I was angry or sad, they'd do something silly or playful and make me laugh. Now he's gone and I feel like a member of the family is missing. I'm worrying about whether he's ok or not. Is he stressed? Does he feel loved? His new parents seemed wonderful, and I don't doubt that he'll be spoiled, but I still miss him.
So, to some things up, I'm feeling a little raw and exposed. I'm tired and anxious. I'm grateful when I have things to do to keep me busy and keep my mind off things, but then those same things that keep me busy also keep me away from home, which is hard. Each day is better, but then I have moments like this morning where I start crying without any prompting. It ends as quickly as it starts, but I don't like the fact that it's starting at all. Oh well. I suppose I will just have to take it one day at a time.