I don't like my body.
There. I've said it. I don't like my body.
And yet, why? Why don't I like it? What has it ever done to me? It's carried me through a marathon, it allows me to lift 50 lb of dog food (and Cody and Lollie). I'm healthy enough to bike / run / or walk to work if my car fails me. I have decent vision, and I'm relatively low on back problems. All in all, my body had been pretty darn good to me. And yet, I can't seem to just appreciate it and love it. Why is that?
This morning, I woke up at 4:30 to go for a run. I had also gone for a 5 mile run on Monday, spent two hours mowing the lawn on Tuesday, and had run 2.3 miles yesterday. Today, I really wanted to sleep, but I knew that I "needed" to work out. As I put on my running clothes, I cursed my thighs which are slightly larger than last year and my belly which was tighter on my shirt than last year. When I got the text from my running buddy that she wouldn't be able to make it, I was kind of happy...not because I could go back to sleep, but I could do a different work out; one with stomach crunches and push ups and all sorts of really difficult things. I was exhausted, I wanted nothing more than to sleep for at least another 30 minutes, my body was already sore, and yet I felt it necessary to go work out again.
Well, needless to say, the workout didn't go well. I started with a slow jog on a fitness path. My quads were tired and my shins hurt. I made it to station 1 where I was going to do some core work. My hands and arms could barely hold on to the bar. I went to station 2, where I did some lunges and balance exercises. My balance was poor at best. Exercises that a year or two ago were somewhat easy seemed so difficult. I felt like I was moving through a fog. I went to station 3, where I planned to practice some wall jumps. I started to jump one time, made it half way over, started to lose my balance, and my jump turned into more of a crawl / shimmy over. Yeah, I wasn't going to repeat that. I decided I'd just run the rest of the course. I made it to the next bend in the course, cut across the field, and walked back to my car. I got home and planned to do some yoga to help me relax. I sat on my yoga mat, then laid back, and then rolled over to fall asleep. The dogs licking my face is pretty much the only thing that kept me awake (luckily they love yoga time).
I was mad at myself for not doing a good workout, but I was also kind of concerned. Somewhere along the way I've lost any sort of balance in my life. The kennel takes up 95% of my time. When I'm not here, I'm either at home cleaning or I'm sleeping. I'm getting much better about not eating out, but that often means that my meals consist of a Cliff bar, fruit and milk, or soup, fruit, and crackers. Thank God for toaster oven meals, too. I enjoy running and the runs I did Monday and Wednesday were mainly for the sheer joy of running, but I need some balance in there too. I need to do more than just run, but I don't want to cut any of my running days, and I can't really take any extra time out of my day to more on top of the run.
Ideally, I'd work normal hours. I'd be here from 8am-5pm with only 1 or 2 night shifts a week; as opposed to my current schedule which is often 6am-10pm with 1 or 2 mornings off a week. To have two full days off a week (like a weekend) would be almost more than I could hope for. Alas, I don't think that schedule will happen any time soon. I'm going to have to find balance in my life while I still work 80 hour weeks. Maybe I need to sacrifice a run for some yoga. Maybe I just need to take some time to meditate each day. I'm not sure yet. What I do know, though, is that something needs to change.
I need to take the time to appreciate what my body CAN do, rather than complain about what it can't.