Have you ever been so happy you're sad? I know it sounds odd, but that's how I feel right now. I'm so happy I want to cry because I wish every day of my life could be as wonderful as the past few have been.
It is currently 6:15 on Saturday morning. My bags are packed for the day, and I'm decked out in running gear. Hans is showering, the dogs are just waking up, I'm getting ready to wake up Anna (a terrifying prospect), and in an hour and a half I'll be staring my 4th marathon (slightly less terrifying than waking the sleeping baby). In addition to this great day, two of my best and dearest friends, Jackie and Dan, are in town to visit. I couldn't be any happier.
Let me first say that I never really realized just how happy having them here would make me. You see, I'm not a great long-distance friend. I don't Skype, I hate phone conversations. If I'm going to call you, it's going to be to make plans for what we'll do later. I hate just chatting, (Unless I'm running. Then I'll chat for hours.) So, I don't often get to enjoy my closest friends. While mentally I know they're always there, there are a few moments when not having them around leaves me feeling horribly lonely. Those moments when life is hard and you just want to circle the wagons and have your dearest friends close around you become extra hard when your dearest friends are spread across the country. It's just very nice to have them so close.
And I don't want to get sappy or overly-sentimental, but the past few days have been filled with nothing but love. I love these two people more than even I think I can realize, and it's nice not just to feel that from them but also to be able to exude that love. I know that sounds like some new-age hippy crap, and I can actually picture my mom saying something like that and me rolling my eyes in exasperation and annoyance, but it's true. It's an energy, a joy, a happiness that leaves one feeling so happy. It makes me feel closer to God. It makes me feel like I've come home. It makes me feel like I'm wrapped in a wonderful embrace.
Side note: I know at least one of these people reads my blog, and I have NO IDEA how this person will react to this outpouring of emotion. I would like to tell this person: Yes, this is how I feel. Yes, it's difficult to put into words. Yes, it's awkward. Deal with it. I love you, and I always will. Y'all are my giants. :D
Yesterday, a friend sent me a Facebook message essentially saying that Mom would be with me during this run. It was sweet, and I loved it, but I realized something. Since my friends have arrived, I haven't been as upset about not having Mom on the course. I know I can feel both upset over Mom and joy over my friends, but somehow the joy of having them is too great. I find I'm thanking Mom or God for all the little treasures. That beautiful sunrise? That's a gift. The little quirky things that happen? That's a sign. It's beautiful.
Jackie and I actually had a conversation yesterday about the belief in a higher being. Is God real? What are the arguments from people who believe versus those who don't? I made the comment that I've had too much happen in my life for me to not believe in a higher power. I've felt too much love, experienced too much grace. I simply can't believe that there is not a higher power out there.
OK, I'm starting to ramble. I really didn't intend for this to be a blog post about God or Love or anything else. I simply wanted to state how happy and excited I am to have these two wonderful people in my life and to announce my marathon. Ah, stream of consciousness! Anyway, I have a race to run. Am I nervous? Unbelievably so. Am I excited? Unbelievably so! Wish me luck!!