Mom passed away today.
I don't even know what to say. I feel such a mixture of emotions. There is the obvious one: grief. God, I am going to miss my mom. Part of me wants to wail like I did as a little girl, "I want my MOMMY!" And then there's relief. Relief that the worst is over. Relief that Mom is no longer in pain. Relief that our family can now start to move forward.
There are a couple of things, a few miracles, that I would like to share.
First I am amazed at the love my mother felt for me. Our relationship had suffered a lot in the past few months. We had struggled living together, and there were many issues past and present that we were having a hard time getting through. Still, she always loved me. The last thing she said to me was, "I love you." When she couldn't open her eyes anymore she still murmured, "I love you." When she couldn't speak anymore, she still murmured. When she couldn't murmur anymore, she still grunted. And when she couldn't get any sound out anymore, when she couldn't move anymore, she would still change her breathing whenever I said, "I love you." This only happened with me. I really expected some reaction to Anna, but no. I know she loved Anna, but it's amazing the love she felt for me. I guess I shouldn't feel surprised, but I am amazed.
Second, I am amazed at the simple miracle of life and death. I don't often talk about spiritual things on this blog, because my relationship with God is very personal to me, but this is such a wonder. The last time Mom was really my mom was Tuesday morning. Since then she's slowly deteriorated until there was little left. This morning I thought there was nothing left of her. My thought was that there was just a shell. She was still breathing, but I couldn't really discern Mom. And yet, when I walked in her room this afternoon, I could tell the difference immediately. I knew that the life that had been in her was truly gone. While before she was merely sleeping, this afternoon was completely different. She was really gone. You could feel it in the air. To me, this is nothing short of miraculous. I feel like that feeling alone is definitive proof that there is more to us than just skin and bones. That's proof enough that there is God and life after death. How amazing is that?
For all those wondering, we will wait a little while for a memorial service. Mom had many friends far and wide, and we want to allow everyone a chance to travel. Things will be simple and all things will have Mom in mind. I'm lucky that she and I had discussed wishes at length long ago. Otherwise, thank you to everyone. Thank you to all those who sent well wishes or meals or who offered to help. Thank you to all those who prayed for her. Thank you to all who simply thought of us from time to time. We love you all.