Mom had more scans a few weeks ago. I'll just cut to the chase. They weren't great. Of course, we were hoping for completely clear scans like we'd seen before. Heck, we were kind of expecting it. Unfortunately, the scans showed a few new nodules and some "suspicious activity." Everything is fairly small (the largest is only about 10 mm), but it's still not great news. Our original reaction after hearing the news was to start chemo as soon as possible. You know, let's kill this while it's small. However, after chatting with a few different doctors we decided to wait. The more we find out about how it's going to progress, the better we'll be able to treat it. Plus, Mom's body kind of needs a rest from all we've put it through.
So, those are the facts that we know. Where things get difficult is in all the unknown. Mom hasn't been feeling well, but it's difficult to pinpoint why. It could be due to the cancer, it could be depression, it could be the pain meds, it could be chemo/radiation, or it could be all of the above. No matter what the cause, it's still horribly difficult to watch. She's nauseous and lacking appetite, she's tired, she's hurting. It's hard to watch this woman who once helped me move an entire apartment up 3 flights of stairs to now have difficulty getting up out of bed.
It's also hard not knowing what comes next. What will the next scans say? Will there be more chemo? More radiation? Mom is so happy that her hair is starting to come back. Will she end up losing it again? If there is more chemo, will it work? I have moments where I think, "If this is what does her in, then let it be swift", and then I feel instantly guilty because I want to spend as much time with her as possible. So then I think, "Let us just be over and done with this quickly and hope for the absolute best."
To add to all the stress, Anna's 1st birthday is at the end of the month. I'm thrilled and excited about it, but it often leaves me feeling like two different people. When I'm focusing on Anna I'm the happy mom, but then I'll be hit with this overwhelming wave of sadness. I'm never quite sure how to feel.
I won't ramble on any longer. I'm utterly exhausted, but I thought y'all should know what's happening right now.
Thanks for listening.