Thursday, October 30, 2014

Being Honest

Sometimes coming up with a blog post is extremely difficult.  Sometimes that's because I'm too busy and too tired (or simply too distracted) to write.  Other times, though, it's because I'm not quite sure how to say what I want to say.  The truth is, sometimes what I really want to talk about is just too deep.  There's too much emotion behind it.

For instance, in this post, I could write pages about many different things.  I could talk about the fear I still feel when I think about Mom's diagnosis.  Or I could tell you how difficult it is having my mom live with me.  How viewing it as difficult makes me feel guilty and how that guilt is driven by my fear.  I could tell you about the things Mom and I have learned about each other and how that has affected our relationship.  Or I could tell you about my relationship with Anna.  I could tell you how weird it is to be simultaneously confident in my mothering skills and yet terrified that everything I'm doing is not enough.  I could tell you how I'm scared that all the happenings around our house will leave Anna stressed and she will become an overly-serious, nervous child.

I could tell you all these things.  I could delve into them and explain each thing in detail.  However, I won't.  These things are just too much.  They're too hard to explain.  They're too difficult to express properly.  And so, I stick to updates and odd tidbits.  They're easier to talk about and far easier to explain.  Do I sometimes wish that I could use this blog as my own personal diary?  Yes.  But that would mean hurting some of the people who are closest to me when I decide to vent.  It would mean isolating some people who don't necessarily deserve to be isolated simply because I'm angry.  And it would mean exposing parts of myself that I'm not always comfortable exposing.

So, excuse me when I go long bouts without blogging.  Sometimes I simply need to be able to process my thoughts, and the blog doesn't always help.  I love this little corner of the internet that's all mine, but sometimes it's hard to figure out what to do with it.  For now, I'll sleep, go to work, take care of Anna, take care of Mom, and hopefully come up with good ideas for the blog.  Thank you for thinking of me even when I'm not talking!