Life

Stage 4

Metastatic

Small cell

Lung Cancer.

Today I sat with my mom in the doctor's office as he explained that the type of cancer she has is not considered curable.  I felt a mixture of emotions all at once.

I was angry.

I was angry with her for not having quit smoking sooner.

I was scared.

What does this mean for the future?  How much time do we have?  What will she have to go through, and what will that mean for me caring for her?

I was overwhelmingly sad.

As I held my daughter, not yet 2 months old, all I could think was that she'd never get to know her grandmother.  Her grandmother, my mom, the woman who held me, and cradled me, and sang to me as I was doing to her would not be around to see her grow up.

My mother, Mom, Mommy, would just be a person in a picture.  A person she maybe will wish she once knew.

It's this thought that brings me to tears every time.

I can't imagine life without my mom.

A little over a week ago we thought the pain in her back was just a bulging disc.  We never imagined this.

To her credit, she has a positive attitude.  She's taking things one day at a time.  I'm trying to follow her lead, and most of the time I'm OK.  But then I look at my daughter.  I think how this is supposed to be a joyous time in our lives, and instead it's marred by this horrible news.

Life kind of sucks right now, and I'm clinging to any small bit of hope I can find.