Hello again! Man, I go a few months with only 1 post a month, if that, and here I am posting 3 in 2 days. I'm just full of inspiration. I will say I have a lot more I'd like to talk about, but I'm really struggling to wrap my head around some things and put into words what I'm trying to say. If I can figure it out, I'll let you know. That being said, I wanted to write today about why I run.
There are a lot of reasons why I started running. I wanted to lose weight, it was something that was hard for me, and I wanted to get better, all the 'cool' kids did it, maybe even as a way to bond with my dad, the high school and college track star. But none of those reasons really explain why I continued running. For a long time, if someone had asked me why I continued running I'd have given them pretty much one basic answer. I'd have said I got a great endorphin rush and the exercise kept me from becoming to anxious. But there's more to it than that. To do explain, I have to tell you a short story.
Back in college I studied music, and as part of my studies I took both piano lessons and voice lessons. I'll never forget one particular week where both of my teachers in these subjects essentially told me the same thing. They told me I needed to expose my soul. Here I was, singing and playing my heart out, thinking I was being super expressive, and they told me they just weren't feeling it. I needed to expose my soul. Honestly, I really didn't know how to take that. I've always thought of myself as a fairly open person; I don't really have much to hide, so I had no clue how to expose more. After being told this, I started to notice this phrase (or some variation) popped up quite often in my life. But, still I had no idea how to apply this to myself. I thought I did it when I was singing a song about being homesick. I mean, I was as homesick as they come. This was a subject I could really relate to. Alas, no. My instructor simply told me I was sharing enough of myself. At the time I was frustrated beyond belief. Now I think he may have been right.
So this leads me back to running. For a long time I wondered if I ran to escape my emotions. I mean, if I can't expose my soul in music then I must really be working at repressing emotions. But I never really felt like I had anything to run from. Running has always felt like I'm headed towards something, not away from it. I had kind of settled on running as a way of meditation. The deep breaths, the rhythmic pattern of my feet and breath, even the sound in my ears. Yes, meditation. And that almost hit it, but I don't always feel relaxed and calm after a run. Even after good runs, I often feel slightly more agitated...slightly more exposed.
And finally, today, it dawned on me. I run because running allows me to expose my soul. After a run, I'm tired. The better and longer the run the more tired I am. In the end, I don't have any energy left to hide my true self. Some of my best cries have been after wonderful runs. I'll be happy but exhausted, I will have spent the past X miles thinking about various topics so there's nothing clouding my mind, and suddenly I will be hit with some emotion. Somehow running allows me to tap into that part of me that I often keep hidden, even from myself. It allows me to turn off my brain for long enough to truly feel my emotions. I can't begin to explain the joy this brings me. I'm able to feel every emotion I've buried deep within; every emotion that I normally only scrape the surface of: joy, sorrow, anger, it's all there. Running allows me to actually feel it.
Now, I'm not saying I feel every little emotion with every single run. Sometimes I run just to hang out with friends, and sometimes I run because I had too much cake (on my birthday), but that wouldn't keep me running in the long haul. I run because I finally get what my instructors were trying to tell me years ago. I run to expose my soul.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Thursday, October 15, 2015
My Birthday- Without Mom
OK. I just wrote a post detailing the big events from my birthday. I encourage you to read it, or else some of what I right here won't necessarily make sense. I wanted to take a moment to talk about what my birthday was like without Mom. I've had a couple of days to think about things, and I've had some revelations.
First, I have to reveal to you one of my biggest wishes on my birthday. I wanted a visit from Mom. I know it sounds odd, but I wanted to dream about her. I'm a big believer in the afterlife, and I firmly believe that dreams about the deceased are not just dreams. They're visitations. Since Mom passed, I've had 3 dreams about her. I won't get into the details of each one, but let me just say that I can only make sense out of one of them. Anyway, that's what I wanted. I wanted a dream. I wanted to dream about doing all of our usual birthday traditions with her: shopping in Williamsburg, pumpkin cheesecake at Barnes & Noble, stupid, silly birthday songs.
Unfortunately, I woke up the morning of my birthday to the sad realization that I'd had no such dream. I felt sad and alone, and that feeling very easily could have continued throughout the day except for some wonderful people in my life.
First there was Hans. Hans really took care of me that day. He comforted me when I was crying, and didn't make me feel bad about crying. He stayed with me all day. He made sure I felt well-loved. I don't think Mom would have gone if I didn't have Hans. She knew I'd be OK.
Second there were my running buddies. I forgot to mention in the last post, but when they realized they'd missed running with me on my birthday, they stopped by the kennel with cupcakes (I ended up with a lot of cupcakes that day). I didn't get to see them, but it was so nice to know they cared that much about me. Like I said before, I wasn't upset with them or anything. By the end of the day I was laughing over the whole thing, but that gesture was just beautiful.
Then there was the kennel staff. They didn't have to do anything. I certainly didn't expect anything of them. Such a simple gesture, though, made me feel so wonderful. It's lonely owning a business. Most people make friends and connections with coworkers. I don't have coworkers, I have staff, and it can often be difficult to separate out friend from employee. It was nice to have them do something completely unasked for. Mom's love for me showed through them.
And then there was the client who brought me pumpkin cheesecake. I'm fairly certain he knew how much I love that cheesecake, and he knew that Mom and I always had at least one slice together, but I don't think he knew it was a birthday tradition. He didn't have to bring anything, yet he chose pumpkin cheesecake...from Barnes & Noble. That's when I first realized that Mom may be with me after all.
And there was the client who told me how much healthier I looked. I'm not sure she initially knew it was my birthday, and I know she had no clue I'd spent the morning crying, but she told me how tired I'd looked when I was caring for my Mom. She told me how much she wanted to be able to help because she was truly concerned for me. And she told me how much lighter I looked since Mom's passing. Of course, she knew that was the worst possible outcome, but she was happy I was under less stress. That's the one that took a little longer to sink in. It really didn't hit me until today. Mom died so that I could live.
I know it sounds weird, but I know the course we were on. We were all slowly dying. I'm not certain I fully understood it at the time, but I definitely understand it now. We were under so much stress. We could never fully breathe. Something was bound to happen at some point. Either exhaustion or illness or something would have taken all of us. I think, to some degree (whether she consciously thought it or not) Mom may have let herself go. She grew tired of the fight, and she saw that we were struggling to continue to the fight, so she gave in.
To some degree, there's a good deal of guilt that goes with this. If I'd fought harder, if she'd known how much I was still fighting for her, would the outcome have been different? And trust me, I've had a lot of what if moments. But when I think of her passing as an act of love, a final act of love, things become a lot easier.
The morning of my birthday I felt sad and alone. By end of the day, though, when I was sitting with my family, I felt loved. I felt warm and relaxed. I didn't dream about Mom, but she was there the whole day. She was with me and will always be with me. It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite childhood movies, The Land Before Time. "I'll be with you. Even if you can't see me." I can't see her, but she's with me.
First, I have to reveal to you one of my biggest wishes on my birthday. I wanted a visit from Mom. I know it sounds odd, but I wanted to dream about her. I'm a big believer in the afterlife, and I firmly believe that dreams about the deceased are not just dreams. They're visitations. Since Mom passed, I've had 3 dreams about her. I won't get into the details of each one, but let me just say that I can only make sense out of one of them. Anyway, that's what I wanted. I wanted a dream. I wanted to dream about doing all of our usual birthday traditions with her: shopping in Williamsburg, pumpkin cheesecake at Barnes & Noble, stupid, silly birthday songs.
Unfortunately, I woke up the morning of my birthday to the sad realization that I'd had no such dream. I felt sad and alone, and that feeling very easily could have continued throughout the day except for some wonderful people in my life.
First there was Hans. Hans really took care of me that day. He comforted me when I was crying, and didn't make me feel bad about crying. He stayed with me all day. He made sure I felt well-loved. I don't think Mom would have gone if I didn't have Hans. She knew I'd be OK.
Second there were my running buddies. I forgot to mention in the last post, but when they realized they'd missed running with me on my birthday, they stopped by the kennel with cupcakes (I ended up with a lot of cupcakes that day). I didn't get to see them, but it was so nice to know they cared that much about me. Like I said before, I wasn't upset with them or anything. By the end of the day I was laughing over the whole thing, but that gesture was just beautiful.
Then there was the kennel staff. They didn't have to do anything. I certainly didn't expect anything of them. Such a simple gesture, though, made me feel so wonderful. It's lonely owning a business. Most people make friends and connections with coworkers. I don't have coworkers, I have staff, and it can often be difficult to separate out friend from employee. It was nice to have them do something completely unasked for. Mom's love for me showed through them.
And then there was the client who brought me pumpkin cheesecake. I'm fairly certain he knew how much I love that cheesecake, and he knew that Mom and I always had at least one slice together, but I don't think he knew it was a birthday tradition. He didn't have to bring anything, yet he chose pumpkin cheesecake...from Barnes & Noble. That's when I first realized that Mom may be with me after all.
And there was the client who told me how much healthier I looked. I'm not sure she initially knew it was my birthday, and I know she had no clue I'd spent the morning crying, but she told me how tired I'd looked when I was caring for my Mom. She told me how much she wanted to be able to help because she was truly concerned for me. And she told me how much lighter I looked since Mom's passing. Of course, she knew that was the worst possible outcome, but she was happy I was under less stress. That's the one that took a little longer to sink in. It really didn't hit me until today. Mom died so that I could live.
I know it sounds weird, but I know the course we were on. We were all slowly dying. I'm not certain I fully understood it at the time, but I definitely understand it now. We were under so much stress. We could never fully breathe. Something was bound to happen at some point. Either exhaustion or illness or something would have taken all of us. I think, to some degree (whether she consciously thought it or not) Mom may have let herself go. She grew tired of the fight, and she saw that we were struggling to continue to the fight, so she gave in.
To some degree, there's a good deal of guilt that goes with this. If I'd fought harder, if she'd known how much I was still fighting for her, would the outcome have been different? And trust me, I've had a lot of what if moments. But when I think of her passing as an act of love, a final act of love, things become a lot easier.
The morning of my birthday I felt sad and alone. By end of the day, though, when I was sitting with my family, I felt loved. I felt warm and relaxed. I didn't dream about Mom, but she was there the whole day. She was with me and will always be with me. It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite childhood movies, The Land Before Time. "I'll be with you. Even if you can't see me." I can't see her, but she's with me.
My Birthday- The Events
My 30th birthday was two days ago. A year ago today, Mom got CT results back saying all tumors were gone. Facebook from a year ago is full of so much joy and celebration. A few people have asked me how my birthday was and how I've been holding up through all of this, so I wanted to share with you how things have been.
Tuesday morning was kind of awful. I woke up early for my usual run, and I was exhausted. Allergies were working hard on me, and I'd gone to bed a little late the night before. Plus, I think I was just still physically exhausted from all the activities of the morning. Still, I was looking forward to starting my day with a run...an activity that makes me feel good about me and that gives me some social time with some much-loved running buddies. Well, before I even left the house one of my running buddies bailed. I was a little bummed, but oh well. Stuff happens. I grabbed my fuel belt and headed out the door.
I got to our usual meet up and was right on time (a rarity for me). I scrolled through Facebook as I waited for my other friend. About 5 minutes later, I got a text from him saying he'd just woken up and apologizing because he wouldn't be able to make it. I had two options: Go home or run by myself. Part of me feels I should have run anyway, but at 5:15 am with no one to run with and no dog I decided to just go home. I was in the shower before the flood of emotion hit.
Here's the thing. I wasn't mad or upset with my running friends at all. It's early in the morning. It happens. I've done the exact same thing to them on a few occasions. On plenty of other mornings I would have relished the opportunity to skip a run. This morning, though, it simply sucked. I was disappointed and I didn't have Mom, and I just broke down sobbing. By the way, have you ever tried to shave your legs through a sob? It's difficult.
I kind of pulled it together for breakfast with Anna, but I definitely put the burden of the morning on Hans. He got Anna bathed and dressed, he fixed breakfast, and he kept her occupied while I just sat on the couch fighting back tears. When we went into Anna's playroom I lost it again. I just laid on the floor and cried, which of course set Anna off, and poor Hans had to deal with both of us. He finally managed to get us both in the car and we left to take Anna to daycare.
Lucky for me, I have an amazing husband. Hans had decided to take the day off work, so he could be with me. I decided that, as much as I love having all 3 of us together, I still wanted to take Anna to daycare, and I wanted the two of us to see a movie. This was definitely the right call. We hadn't seen a movie together since Les Miserables was in theaters, and it was wonderful to just be able to do something different. After the movie, we had a few errands to run, we had to pick up Anna, and then I had to be back at the kennel for an appointment with an acupuncturist (for the dogs, and yes it works).
When I walked in, I was greeted by the staff...more staff than usual. The led me into the training room and presented me with cupcakes from my favorite shop, a card signed by everyone, and pierogies (yummm). It wasn't huge, but it was such a wonderful gesture. Hans made certain to tell me it was completely their idea, and he had nothing to do with it, and I am just so touched. Seriously, it meant more than I think they'll ever know.
While at the kennel I was greeted by a few clients who wished me a happy birthday. Some of my longer clients asked how I was doing. One brought me a piece of pumpkin cheesecake from Barnes & Noble and a scarf he knitted himself. One client happened to comment how much healthier I looked lately. She said had been really worried about me the past year with everything with Mom, but I really looked good now. It was nice being at the kennel.
After my appointment, I went home where I was greeted by Dad, Cindy, my best friend, Jess, Hans, and Anna. We enjoyed a lovely fondue dinner that Hans made; a meal I fear we don't have nearly often enough, followed by cake and ice cream. Anna went to bed easily and on time, and I enjoyed a lovely evening.
So, to sum up, while the morning started terribly, the day turned around well enough. I was tired most of the day from all my crying, and I had entirely too much candy at the movie, but I felt well-loved and happy. My birthday ended up being a pretty great day.
Tuesday morning was kind of awful. I woke up early for my usual run, and I was exhausted. Allergies were working hard on me, and I'd gone to bed a little late the night before. Plus, I think I was just still physically exhausted from all the activities of the morning. Still, I was looking forward to starting my day with a run...an activity that makes me feel good about me and that gives me some social time with some much-loved running buddies. Well, before I even left the house one of my running buddies bailed. I was a little bummed, but oh well. Stuff happens. I grabbed my fuel belt and headed out the door.
I got to our usual meet up and was right on time (a rarity for me). I scrolled through Facebook as I waited for my other friend. About 5 minutes later, I got a text from him saying he'd just woken up and apologizing because he wouldn't be able to make it. I had two options: Go home or run by myself. Part of me feels I should have run anyway, but at 5:15 am with no one to run with and no dog I decided to just go home. I was in the shower before the flood of emotion hit.
Here's the thing. I wasn't mad or upset with my running friends at all. It's early in the morning. It happens. I've done the exact same thing to them on a few occasions. On plenty of other mornings I would have relished the opportunity to skip a run. This morning, though, it simply sucked. I was disappointed and I didn't have Mom, and I just broke down sobbing. By the way, have you ever tried to shave your legs through a sob? It's difficult.
I kind of pulled it together for breakfast with Anna, but I definitely put the burden of the morning on Hans. He got Anna bathed and dressed, he fixed breakfast, and he kept her occupied while I just sat on the couch fighting back tears. When we went into Anna's playroom I lost it again. I just laid on the floor and cried, which of course set Anna off, and poor Hans had to deal with both of us. He finally managed to get us both in the car and we left to take Anna to daycare.
Lucky for me, I have an amazing husband. Hans had decided to take the day off work, so he could be with me. I decided that, as much as I love having all 3 of us together, I still wanted to take Anna to daycare, and I wanted the two of us to see a movie. This was definitely the right call. We hadn't seen a movie together since Les Miserables was in theaters, and it was wonderful to just be able to do something different. After the movie, we had a few errands to run, we had to pick up Anna, and then I had to be back at the kennel for an appointment with an acupuncturist (for the dogs, and yes it works).
When I walked in, I was greeted by the staff...more staff than usual. The led me into the training room and presented me with cupcakes from my favorite shop, a card signed by everyone, and pierogies (yummm). It wasn't huge, but it was such a wonderful gesture. Hans made certain to tell me it was completely their idea, and he had nothing to do with it, and I am just so touched. Seriously, it meant more than I think they'll ever know.
While at the kennel I was greeted by a few clients who wished me a happy birthday. Some of my longer clients asked how I was doing. One brought me a piece of pumpkin cheesecake from Barnes & Noble and a scarf he knitted himself. One client happened to comment how much healthier I looked lately. She said had been really worried about me the past year with everything with Mom, but I really looked good now. It was nice being at the kennel.
After my appointment, I went home where I was greeted by Dad, Cindy, my best friend, Jess, Hans, and Anna. We enjoyed a lovely fondue dinner that Hans made; a meal I fear we don't have nearly often enough, followed by cake and ice cream. Anna went to bed easily and on time, and I enjoyed a lovely evening.
So, to sum up, while the morning started terribly, the day turned around well enough. I was tired most of the day from all my crying, and I had entirely too much candy at the movie, but I felt well-loved and happy. My birthday ended up being a pretty great day.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
A Great Weekend
It's time for a happy post! I have had a great weekend.
It started with an 18 mile run. Lately, I've had this trend where I've had one good long run followed by one horrible long run. Last week was terrible, so I was hopeful / nervous for this run. I knew I had to come at it with a different plan of attack than last week, and my plan seemed to work. It was a slower run, and I easily could have gone faster, but I felt great in the end, and I'm still on track to finish the marathon in my goal time. Yay!
I was fairly sore after my run, and I felt myself start to stiffen up, so I asked Hans to fix breakfast (kielbasa and eggs with poppyseed bread is one of my favorite meals), while I did a quick yoga routine. This resulted in a proud mommy moment when Anna ran up behind me at the start of my routine and did mountain pose with me. It was absolutely adorable, and I love the fact that she's starting to pick up things like that. Hans tried to take a quick picture, but she ran off to grab a book before he could get the camera out. (Note that I'm also proud at how much she likes books.) After yoga, I enjoyed a delicious meal followed by a wonderful, refreshing shower. I actually felt really great and was ready to take on the day...until I came downstairs. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was exhausted! Luckily, Anna hadn't taken her nap yet and was starting to get a little tired as well, so Hans took her up for a nap, and I laid down on the couch. The only thing I really remember after that was thinking how good lying down felt, and the next thing I knew it was an hour later and I was waking up from a very relaxed sleep. I wasn't even in a great position on the couch, but I felt wonderful. I stayed in my prone position for another 15-20 minutes until Anna woke up from her nap. Well-timed, dear child!
After our lovely sleep, we loaded up the bikes and headed downtown for the Richmond Folk Festival. We decided to bike simply because parking and traffic down by the festival is a nightmare, and I really think we made the right decision. It was a great way for me to keep from getting too stiff after the run, and it's great family time for us anyway. That said, I was pretty exhausted still, and I do think the bike simply wiped me out. It was also kind of a grey day, so walking around the festival wasn't quite as enjoyable as it usually is. There are a lot of things I wish we'd done differently, but we still had a great time anyway.
After the festival, we got the car and picked the dogs up from the kennel (Hans had dropped them off while I was running). Then we went home for dinner and a relaxing evening at home. We ended the night with an episode of Orange Is The New Black and s'mores (after Anna was in bed). Yum!
Today had a lot of options. It was a cool 44 degrees this morning, but the sun was out and shining. We'd talked about going back to the festival or possibly taking long family ride on a new bike trail. We weren't quiet sure what we wanted to do, so we made a temporary plan. We'd bike to church (not drive because it's only 4 miles and the weather was gorgeous), have lunch with my dad and friend, Cindy, and decide from there. Getting to church was a pleasure, Anna was fairly well-behaved (for a toddler) during church, and lunch was quite enjoyable. We were in a great mood, and could have done anything, but I decided I really wanted some time at home. I wanted to spend some time with the dogs, and I had some cleaning I wanted to tackle. We ended up cleaning for a couple of hours and I finally finished a project that's been bugging me!
After cleaning, we loaded up the car with all 4 dogs and headed out to Dad's for burgers off the grill. I love going out to Dad's. Dad still lives in my childhood home, so I'm fairly comfortable there (even though there have been tons of changes), and he has a much larger yard. While Dad cooked the burgers, Cindy, Hans, and I played with Anna. She loved chasing the dogs around the yard, and the dogs loved having the space to just run. It was heart-warming to say the least. After a lovely dinner, and some extra play time for Anna, we came home tired, full, and happy.
Now the house is quiet. The dogs are wiped out, Anna is sound asleep in her crib, the windows are open and airing out this old house, and I am simply feeling wonderful. Frankly, this is the best I've felt in months. I hope this all holds out for a while, but either way I'm relishing this time. I am extremely grateful for a fun, happy, relaxing weekend, and I'm ready to tackle the week ahead!
It started with an 18 mile run. Lately, I've had this trend where I've had one good long run followed by one horrible long run. Last week was terrible, so I was hopeful / nervous for this run. I knew I had to come at it with a different plan of attack than last week, and my plan seemed to work. It was a slower run, and I easily could have gone faster, but I felt great in the end, and I'm still on track to finish the marathon in my goal time. Yay!
I was fairly sore after my run, and I felt myself start to stiffen up, so I asked Hans to fix breakfast (kielbasa and eggs with poppyseed bread is one of my favorite meals), while I did a quick yoga routine. This resulted in a proud mommy moment when Anna ran up behind me at the start of my routine and did mountain pose with me. It was absolutely adorable, and I love the fact that she's starting to pick up things like that. Hans tried to take a quick picture, but she ran off to grab a book before he could get the camera out. (Note that I'm also proud at how much she likes books.) After yoga, I enjoyed a delicious meal followed by a wonderful, refreshing shower. I actually felt really great and was ready to take on the day...until I came downstairs. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was exhausted! Luckily, Anna hadn't taken her nap yet and was starting to get a little tired as well, so Hans took her up for a nap, and I laid down on the couch. The only thing I really remember after that was thinking how good lying down felt, and the next thing I knew it was an hour later and I was waking up from a very relaxed sleep. I wasn't even in a great position on the couch, but I felt wonderful. I stayed in my prone position for another 15-20 minutes until Anna woke up from her nap. Well-timed, dear child!
After our lovely sleep, we loaded up the bikes and headed downtown for the Richmond Folk Festival. We decided to bike simply because parking and traffic down by the festival is a nightmare, and I really think we made the right decision. It was a great way for me to keep from getting too stiff after the run, and it's great family time for us anyway. That said, I was pretty exhausted still, and I do think the bike simply wiped me out. It was also kind of a grey day, so walking around the festival wasn't quite as enjoyable as it usually is. There are a lot of things I wish we'd done differently, but we still had a great time anyway.
 |
| Folk Festival or Bust! |
After the festival, we got the car and picked the dogs up from the kennel (Hans had dropped them off while I was running). Then we went home for dinner and a relaxing evening at home. We ended the night with an episode of Orange Is The New Black and s'mores (after Anna was in bed). Yum!
Today had a lot of options. It was a cool 44 degrees this morning, but the sun was out and shining. We'd talked about going back to the festival or possibly taking long family ride on a new bike trail. We weren't quiet sure what we wanted to do, so we made a temporary plan. We'd bike to church (not drive because it's only 4 miles and the weather was gorgeous), have lunch with my dad and friend, Cindy, and decide from there. Getting to church was a pleasure, Anna was fairly well-behaved (for a toddler) during church, and lunch was quite enjoyable. We were in a great mood, and could have done anything, but I decided I really wanted some time at home. I wanted to spend some time with the dogs, and I had some cleaning I wanted to tackle. We ended up cleaning for a couple of hours and I finally finished a project that's been bugging me!
After cleaning, we loaded up the car with all 4 dogs and headed out to Dad's for burgers off the grill. I love going out to Dad's. Dad still lives in my childhood home, so I'm fairly comfortable there (even though there have been tons of changes), and he has a much larger yard. While Dad cooked the burgers, Cindy, Hans, and I played with Anna. She loved chasing the dogs around the yard, and the dogs loved having the space to just run. It was heart-warming to say the least. After a lovely dinner, and some extra play time for Anna, we came home tired, full, and happy.
Now the house is quiet. The dogs are wiped out, Anna is sound asleep in her crib, the windows are open and airing out this old house, and I am simply feeling wonderful. Frankly, this is the best I've felt in months. I hope this all holds out for a while, but either way I'm relishing this time. I am extremely grateful for a fun, happy, relaxing weekend, and I'm ready to tackle the week ahead!
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Friends
Wow I've had a rough few weeks. I realize that I'm beginning to
sound like a bit of a Debbie Downer, but I've really been struggling.
Some of it is easily explained by life. Anna was sick, allergies are
full-force, we've gotten record rain falls over the past week, and the
weather has turned colder, all of which result in a tired and somewhat
mopey Val. And then there's just the simple fact that I can't get over
losing Mom. I know it's still really early, and a good part of me knows
this is normal, but it's just weird. Life for everyone else is
continuing as usual, but I'm stuck struggling with whether I even want
to celebrate my 30th birthday next week. I just don't feel much like
celebrating.
All of this has been starting to manifest itself in other ways. One of the worst things about how I've felt was just how isolated I seemed. No one else I know is going through this exact situation. I either feel like my event was so small compared to what others have gone through, or I feel like no one could possibly understand this hurt. An old elementary school friend lost her father recently, and my first thought was actually, "You can understand what I'm feeling!" It was a slight moment of joy and relief at some camaraderie before I realized how awful that was and immediately felt like a terrible person. Anyway, when I feel this isolated I often look to friends to raise me up. Unfortunately, I don't always tell my friends how much I need their help so the process in my brain goes something like this:
-I'm really sad. I want someone to hang out with me. Maybe I'll call insert name to see if she wants to grab a coffee.
She's busy today. She clearly hates me and can't stand to spend a second with me. I won't try anyone else.
OR
-My friend insert name really should have been there for me during that really hard time. She totally dropped the ball on this one. And this other friend did too. I thought my friends truly cared about me. I would have been there for them. Clearly I'm a better friend, and clearly I like them more than they like me.
I could handle this like a real adult and actually tell them how I feel, but that will either leave me way too vulnerable, or I'll just hear some BS excuse, or I'll come across as a whiny baby. I'll just ignore it, but they have officially been removed from my top friends list.
This ultimately leads to me crying to Hans about how sad and lonely I am, and while he's trying to comfort me I tend to think that he's probably thinking how he didn't sign up for this level of crazy / drama and he's probably just telling me what he thinks I want to hear just so I'll shut up. And, in the end, I wind up under the covers on the couch binge-watching Friends on Netflix. Of course, that only makes things worse because then I'm left with all the things I could have / should have done to make the day better and I feel guilty.
The rational part of me knows that this is all silly. I can actually sit down and think, "Val, you're depressed. Plain and simple. You need to do XYZ to make this better." And then I just don't. I'm either too tired or too sad or, sometimes, I'm just in too vulnerable of a state. It may be silly, but it's really hard to shake.
Anyway, I had kind of reached that point. I truly believe a few other factors were at play, but the reality is that I have been a bit depressed. And, then something happened to make me feel a little better.
First, I got a text from my best friend. We've been trying to see each other more than we have in the past, so we've started setting up breakfast dates since they tend to work best with both of our schedules. We hadn't planned one for this week, and she sent me a message asking when I was free. It might not seem like much to everyone, but for me it was a moment of, "Somebody likes me!" It was really nice.
Second, I got a message from another friend of mine just checking in. Life circumstances mean we haven't gotten together in a bit, and she was wondering how I was feeling. Guess what? Someone else likes me!
But the kicker, the one that made me really evaluate my thoughts of the past few weeks was what Hans told me last night. I've been upset because there were some people I really thought would be there for me after Mom passed, and I had barely even heard from them. I thought they'd fly out just to hold me up a bit (and Hans told me he'd asked them to), but they'd made excuses. What Hans told me last night was that he'd been lying. He did ask them to fly out, but not for Mom's memorial. He asked them to fly out for the marathon. Somehow he figured I might need them more at this point than I did a few months ago. He wanted it to be a surprise, but when he realized that I was actually getting upset with them and I was feeling so alone he called them and they decided to tell me. How did he get so smart?! Anyway, two of my best friends are flying out in less than 6 weeks!!!!!!!!!
When Hans told me, I didn't get super excited. I didn't jump up and down. I didn't even call my friends. I simply breathed a sigh of relief. My friends do care. Hans has been doing more than just humoring me. I then texted one of my friends to say I was glad she was coming out and to actually set some dates. Frankly, I didn't have the energy to get excited, but I'm starting to now. Just thinking about it is giving me a nice, soft, warm glow, and that's pleasant.
I know that this is just one battle won in a great war. I know that after the marathon is done I'll go through an all new low (post race, post friends, post excitement- it happens almost every year), but having this helps to remind me that I do have a great support network. I'm not just the person that others tolerate. I'm the person that others love. I do have friends who love me as much as I love them. Yes, I know I'm a bit quirky sometimes, and I can definitely be a bit needy (I am an only child), but that's OK to them. And that's a pretty good feeling.
All of this has been starting to manifest itself in other ways. One of the worst things about how I've felt was just how isolated I seemed. No one else I know is going through this exact situation. I either feel like my event was so small compared to what others have gone through, or I feel like no one could possibly understand this hurt. An old elementary school friend lost her father recently, and my first thought was actually, "You can understand what I'm feeling!" It was a slight moment of joy and relief at some camaraderie before I realized how awful that was and immediately felt like a terrible person. Anyway, when I feel this isolated I often look to friends to raise me up. Unfortunately, I don't always tell my friends how much I need their help so the process in my brain goes something like this:
-I'm really sad. I want someone to hang out with me. Maybe I'll call insert name to see if she wants to grab a coffee.
She's busy today. She clearly hates me and can't stand to spend a second with me. I won't try anyone else.
OR
-My friend insert name really should have been there for me during that really hard time. She totally dropped the ball on this one. And this other friend did too. I thought my friends truly cared about me. I would have been there for them. Clearly I'm a better friend, and clearly I like them more than they like me.
I could handle this like a real adult and actually tell them how I feel, but that will either leave me way too vulnerable, or I'll just hear some BS excuse, or I'll come across as a whiny baby. I'll just ignore it, but they have officially been removed from my top friends list.
This ultimately leads to me crying to Hans about how sad and lonely I am, and while he's trying to comfort me I tend to think that he's probably thinking how he didn't sign up for this level of crazy / drama and he's probably just telling me what he thinks I want to hear just so I'll shut up. And, in the end, I wind up under the covers on the couch binge-watching Friends on Netflix. Of course, that only makes things worse because then I'm left with all the things I could have / should have done to make the day better and I feel guilty.
The rational part of me knows that this is all silly. I can actually sit down and think, "Val, you're depressed. Plain and simple. You need to do XYZ to make this better." And then I just don't. I'm either too tired or too sad or, sometimes, I'm just in too vulnerable of a state. It may be silly, but it's really hard to shake.
Anyway, I had kind of reached that point. I truly believe a few other factors were at play, but the reality is that I have been a bit depressed. And, then something happened to make me feel a little better.
First, I got a text from my best friend. We've been trying to see each other more than we have in the past, so we've started setting up breakfast dates since they tend to work best with both of our schedules. We hadn't planned one for this week, and she sent me a message asking when I was free. It might not seem like much to everyone, but for me it was a moment of, "Somebody likes me!" It was really nice.
Second, I got a message from another friend of mine just checking in. Life circumstances mean we haven't gotten together in a bit, and she was wondering how I was feeling. Guess what? Someone else likes me!
But the kicker, the one that made me really evaluate my thoughts of the past few weeks was what Hans told me last night. I've been upset because there were some people I really thought would be there for me after Mom passed, and I had barely even heard from them. I thought they'd fly out just to hold me up a bit (and Hans told me he'd asked them to), but they'd made excuses. What Hans told me last night was that he'd been lying. He did ask them to fly out, but not for Mom's memorial. He asked them to fly out for the marathon. Somehow he figured I might need them more at this point than I did a few months ago. He wanted it to be a surprise, but when he realized that I was actually getting upset with them and I was feeling so alone he called them and they decided to tell me. How did he get so smart?! Anyway, two of my best friends are flying out in less than 6 weeks!!!!!!!!!
When Hans told me, I didn't get super excited. I didn't jump up and down. I didn't even call my friends. I simply breathed a sigh of relief. My friends do care. Hans has been doing more than just humoring me. I then texted one of my friends to say I was glad she was coming out and to actually set some dates. Frankly, I didn't have the energy to get excited, but I'm starting to now. Just thinking about it is giving me a nice, soft, warm glow, and that's pleasant.
I know that this is just one battle won in a great war. I know that after the marathon is done I'll go through an all new low (post race, post friends, post excitement- it happens almost every year), but having this helps to remind me that I do have a great support network. I'm not just the person that others tolerate. I'm the person that others love. I do have friends who love me as much as I love them. Yes, I know I'm a bit quirky sometimes, and I can definitely be a bit needy (I am an only child), but that's OK to them. And that's a pretty good feeling.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
This Time of Year
First of all, let me say THANK YOU to everyone for showing their support after my last post. It was something I really needed to get off my chest. It's odd, though. In many ways I feel like I shared to much, and yet at the same time there's so much more I could share. There's so much more that I wish you all could understand. It's hard to explain my relationship with Mom, but just know that even though there were many things she did that hurt me, she was also wonderful and kind and caring, and I miss her terribly.
Along those lines, I've really been struggling lately. Sunday marked 1 month from my 30th birthday. That was definitely a day I thought she'd be there. In addition, we're now just 1 month away from the 1 year anniversary of Mom's scans coming back clean. We're also only 2 months from the Richmond Marathon. Those are a lot of big events.
Someone asked me what I wanted for my birthday the other day. I don't want anything. Well, there's nothing that I can actually have. I want my mom back. That's it. I want to hear her call me in the morning to wish me a happy birthday, I want to spend the day shopping in Williamsburg with her, and I want to end the day by gathering around the table with the entire family, Mom included, and simply thinking how lucky I am. Now, without that possible, I don't want anything. I don't even want to gather around with family and friends because it will make it so much more obvious that Mom isn't there. I don't want the reminder that she's not here. It's so much easier to just stay in denial and tell myself that I can call whenever I want to.
You know, a year ago people were asking me what I wanted for my birthday, and my response was similar. I didn't want anything because the one thing I really wanted, for Mom to get better, I couldn't hope for. The most I could truly hope for was that chemo would have some minuscule effect on her cancer, and we were headed in the right direction. That was it. That was all I wanted. And then, on October 15th, two days after my birthday, we got the results back- all tumors were gone. I remember when the NP gave us the results. I sat there dumbfounded until she left the room, and then I looked at Mom and said, "I got my birthday wish." It was everything I could have ever hoped for. She was cured. I just knew she was. My mom was the miracle. For months I told people that Mom was the only true miracle I'd personally witnessed. I said that for 6 months...until we got the scans back 1 week after my half birthday. So, now I want the impossible again. Except this time, there really isn't any way I can get my wish. The most I can hope for this year is a good dream.
I did also mention that we're only 2 months from the Richmond Marathon. I'm so excited and nervous for that one. I have some big goals, and I'm praying all goes well. I miss Mom's excitement for me. I miss her nervousness and those phone calls I'd get telling me about someone else who died after running a marathon. I'm also really nervous about reaching that half way mark. When I run, I'm generally so focused that I tune everything else out (except for traffic), but I always looked forward to seeing Mom at the half way mark. She'd often surprise me at other spots, but the half way point was where I KNEW I'd always see her. During a 10k, she was there at mile 3.1. (In fact, during the past few Monument Ave 10ks, where she participated, I missed seeing her at that beautiful turn around point.) During a half marathon, she was always at 6.5. And during that full marathon, she was ALWAYS at mile 13.1...with the dogs. Generally I'd only say hi for a moment. I had time goals, so I never really stopped. I'd wave, maybe give her a quick hug, pet the dogs, and then run on. What am I going to do this year? Who will be there this year? Hans would be there, but I always like to see him / need him at mile 17 and traveling between those two points can be difficult. I know this year I'll hit 13.1 and there will clearly be someone missing.
God, I miss her. I can't begin to express how much I miss her. I know plenty of people have lost their mothers. I know plenty of people have lost them at harder points in their lives. Still, I can't help but think how unfair this is. She was supposed to be around for 20 more years. She always saw herself living until she was 84. She didn't even make it to 66.
After these events, we get into Thanksgiving and Christmas. Ironically, I'm less stressed about those holidays, because I've spent a few of those away from family. I've spent them with Hans' family, or with friends' families, so it won't be as hard to deal with. But these next few events are leaving me a wreck. At some point, I'll be able to think about my birthday without crying, but that point is not now. Right now, I just want my mom. I want to enjoy Barnes & Noble pumpkin cheesecake with her. I want to admire the fall colors with her. I want to laugh at her excitement over all these little things. I want Mom.
Along those lines, I've really been struggling lately. Sunday marked 1 month from my 30th birthday. That was definitely a day I thought she'd be there. In addition, we're now just 1 month away from the 1 year anniversary of Mom's scans coming back clean. We're also only 2 months from the Richmond Marathon. Those are a lot of big events.
Someone asked me what I wanted for my birthday the other day. I don't want anything. Well, there's nothing that I can actually have. I want my mom back. That's it. I want to hear her call me in the morning to wish me a happy birthday, I want to spend the day shopping in Williamsburg with her, and I want to end the day by gathering around the table with the entire family, Mom included, and simply thinking how lucky I am. Now, without that possible, I don't want anything. I don't even want to gather around with family and friends because it will make it so much more obvious that Mom isn't there. I don't want the reminder that she's not here. It's so much easier to just stay in denial and tell myself that I can call whenever I want to.
You know, a year ago people were asking me what I wanted for my birthday, and my response was similar. I didn't want anything because the one thing I really wanted, for Mom to get better, I couldn't hope for. The most I could truly hope for was that chemo would have some minuscule effect on her cancer, and we were headed in the right direction. That was it. That was all I wanted. And then, on October 15th, two days after my birthday, we got the results back- all tumors were gone. I remember when the NP gave us the results. I sat there dumbfounded until she left the room, and then I looked at Mom and said, "I got my birthday wish." It was everything I could have ever hoped for. She was cured. I just knew she was. My mom was the miracle. For months I told people that Mom was the only true miracle I'd personally witnessed. I said that for 6 months...until we got the scans back 1 week after my half birthday. So, now I want the impossible again. Except this time, there really isn't any way I can get my wish. The most I can hope for this year is a good dream.
I did also mention that we're only 2 months from the Richmond Marathon. I'm so excited and nervous for that one. I have some big goals, and I'm praying all goes well. I miss Mom's excitement for me. I miss her nervousness and those phone calls I'd get telling me about someone else who died after running a marathon. I'm also really nervous about reaching that half way mark. When I run, I'm generally so focused that I tune everything else out (except for traffic), but I always looked forward to seeing Mom at the half way mark. She'd often surprise me at other spots, but the half way point was where I KNEW I'd always see her. During a 10k, she was there at mile 3.1. (In fact, during the past few Monument Ave 10ks, where she participated, I missed seeing her at that beautiful turn around point.) During a half marathon, she was always at 6.5. And during that full marathon, she was ALWAYS at mile 13.1...with the dogs. Generally I'd only say hi for a moment. I had time goals, so I never really stopped. I'd wave, maybe give her a quick hug, pet the dogs, and then run on. What am I going to do this year? Who will be there this year? Hans would be there, but I always like to see him / need him at mile 17 and traveling between those two points can be difficult. I know this year I'll hit 13.1 and there will clearly be someone missing.
God, I miss her. I can't begin to express how much I miss her. I know plenty of people have lost their mothers. I know plenty of people have lost them at harder points in their lives. Still, I can't help but think how unfair this is. She was supposed to be around for 20 more years. She always saw herself living until she was 84. She didn't even make it to 66.
After these events, we get into Thanksgiving and Christmas. Ironically, I'm less stressed about those holidays, because I've spent a few of those away from family. I've spent them with Hans' family, or with friends' families, so it won't be as hard to deal with. But these next few events are leaving me a wreck. At some point, I'll be able to think about my birthday without crying, but that point is not now. Right now, I just want my mom. I want to enjoy Barnes & Noble pumpkin cheesecake with her. I want to admire the fall colors with her. I want to laugh at her excitement over all these little things. I want Mom.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Facing Reality: Mom Was An Addict
This is going to be really hard for me to write. It's hard because I want to think the best of my mom. It's hard because I can practically hear Mom denying every word I say. It's hard because it's something I've been denying for a long time, but I really have to face reality. Mom was an addict.
Mom was not the type of addict that's shown on TV. She wasn't drunk all the time (although I suspect she drank more than she let on). She didn't do drugs (although we definitely had some questions about her pain meds). She didn't pawn off her wedding ring or lose the house in a bet. But her addictions definitely affected everyone around her.
I first heard that mom had a problem when I was 10. We had gotten the internet, my parents were getting divorced, and Mom and Dad were constantly fighting about money. Dad wanted Mom to spend less time online, less time on the stocks. Being only 10, I really didn't understand much other than stocks must be bad. I do remember asking Mom to stop buying stocks or to sell if they were about to drop, and I was told I didn't really understand and left it at that. Of course, that was a theme that often repeated itself.
As I grew older, money became a constant concern. Mom worked hard and she provided me with all of life's necessities, but there never really seemed to be anything left over. In times when I'd get upset because of some money issue, Mom would almost always answer with something along the lines of, 'If that one stock had done what I thought it was going to do then we wouldn't have any worries.' Or, "If I hadn't had to use the money for XYZ and could have invested it like I'd wanted to, then we wouldn't be in this situation." I quickly grew tired of stocks being an excuse, and Mom and I had many arguments over this. At this point, I started to wonder if Mom had an issue. In fact, I'm fairly certain I mentioned to Hans a few times that I was nervous about getting into the stock market because I didn't trust how I would handle things. Honestly, it's still something I steer clear of when I can. Still, though, if someone had asked me, "Does your Mom have a problem with addiction?" I would have answered no (assuming we had not just had a fight). Stocks were just my mom's quirky hobby.
And then, all of a sudden, life events made my mom surprisingly financially secure. No, the stocks didn't assist in this, but I was suddenly scared of what would happen with Mom's financial security if she stayed involved in stocks. I begged her, pleaded with her, and made her promise to stay out of stocks. We came up with a business plan together; a semi-risky investment, but one I KNEW I could make work. There were so many promises. Years passed, and I kept asking Mom about this future investment, and I was told that it was there. I was told we could access it in a few years. I was told I'd have it when I needed it. And then, when it was really, truly needed, I was told it had been lost in the stocks. There was so much hurt, so much anger. She had been lying to me for years. She had wasted her future, my future, Anna's future. She had cost me years of back-breaking labor (character-building, sure, but I wouldn't mind avoiding it), and more importantly she had caused me so much heart ache. When I think about Mom's life, there's so much that I miss, but that's the one thing that makes me truly angry with her. It's the one thing that leaves me screaming up at the sky. Why did she have to lie?
OK, so Mom clearly had a stock / gambling addiction. Writing it out makes it even more obvious. How could I not notice? Oh yeah, she was my mom and I loved her. I wanted to believe the lies she told, even if I knew I really couldn't. But, as I'm learning, addiction doesn't really end with the act. There's so much more surrounding this issue than just 'Mom had problems with money.'
As you may have noted, there are trust and betrayal issues. Mom didn't want people to know her problems. She wanted to seem like one of those amazing investors who makes millions. She never told people about the $6,000 she spent on stock market books or the years she spent just barely getting by. She lied about a lot, and that's something I'm just really coming to grips with.
Then there were the people in her life. I never understood why Mom chose to be around many of the people she did. For a long time I said that Mom was too kind, too trusting, too childlike. She let people take advantage of her. To some extent that's true, but there's another side of that. Mom surrounded herself with other addicts. Many of the people she knew were alcoholics. Some of them were extreme social drinkers, some were closet drinkers, but all of them suffered from the same addiction. They also had one big thing in common: they supported Mom's addiction. They never questioned her time in the stocks, they supported her. They drew her in and encouraged her. When Mom and I would fight, when I would beg and scream for her to stop, they would whisper disparaging words about me. A few even called me out, saying that I was spoiled or a bad daughter. Mom always made excuses for them. They were just defending her. They were just upset for her. What she didn't understand, though, was that they were just causing us to drift further apart. Mom, whether she knew / understood it or not, was willing to let these people come between us because it protected her addiction. It allowed her to continue doing what she was doing, and she was giving up her family so she could continue playing her game. She never could understand why I didn't want to be around these people. Heck, for a long time I didn't understand it either, but the reality was that I wanted to protect myself from that lifestyle. If I could have, I would have protected Mom from it too.
And then there are the other, side addictions. The ones that wouldn't seem like such a big deal if it weren't for this bigger thing. Of course, there's the smoking. How many addicts have said things like, "It's no big deal." "I could quit if I wanted to." "It's not like that for me."? Mom said all that when it came to cigarettes.
And then there's the drinking. I never saw Mom drunk. Not once in my life did I see her even tipsy (she'd throw up first), but I did see her drink too much. I did come home a few times to find the bottle of wine I'd had for ages had suddenly disappeared. I did hear her say things like, "Oh, it was just a little." "Oh, I can have more glasses than usual because these glasses are small."
And lastly, there are the things I'm just not certain about. Did she really need to take as much Tramadol as she did? Was she experiencing physical pain, or was she trying to numb some emotional pain? Was it a little bit of both? When she was 2 weeks post back surgery and could barely used the bathroom on her own, did she climb the stairs and search through our cabinets to find her Percoset simply because she was so looped up on pain meds she wasn't thinking straight, or was she trying to fill a craving? Did she accidentally take her Lorazepam (for nerves) instead of her Amlodipine (for blood pressure), or was she doing some excessive self medicating and just not telling anyone? One of the hardest things about all this, is I really don't know how much of what she told me can be trusted. And I don't know if I can't trust her because she was just out of it for a while or because she was flat out lying.
You should know that writing this is extremely difficult. I hate painting my mother in this light. I love my mom. This woman who had all these issues was still a wonderful mother. She fed me, she clothed me, she sang me to sleep, she read to me at night, she went on class field trips, she took me on fun, crazy adventures, she loved me. In many ways she taught me what a good mother looks like. She gave me butterfly kisses and Eskimo kisses and doggy kisses and just plain old regular kisses. She held me when I cried and taught me that I'd always have someone there for me. She cheered me on in all my successes, and talked me through all my failures. She was wonderful, but she had a problem. She had an illness.
Mom never could admit or recognize that she had a problem. How could she when some of the people closest to her could barely recognize it? I often wonder what life might have been like if she'd sought help. In conquering one addiction would she have been able to conquer others? Would she have quit smoking sooner? Would she have had a stronger support network? Would she have surrounded herself with such toxic people? Would she have gotten cancer? Would she still be here today? It's kind of pointless to ask this now, but I can't help but wonder.
There may not be much point to this post. This may just the ramblings of a tired almost-30 year old who misses her mom. But a lot of it needs to be said. A lot of this I wish I could have spelled out for Mom. I wonder if she would have listened. So, I'm writing it for you. Maybe you knew Mom. Maybe you're in a similar situation. Maybe you're just interested in my ramblings. Whatever your reasons for reading this, thank you for reading.
Mom was not the type of addict that's shown on TV. She wasn't drunk all the time (although I suspect she drank more than she let on). She didn't do drugs (although we definitely had some questions about her pain meds). She didn't pawn off her wedding ring or lose the house in a bet. But her addictions definitely affected everyone around her.
I first heard that mom had a problem when I was 10. We had gotten the internet, my parents were getting divorced, and Mom and Dad were constantly fighting about money. Dad wanted Mom to spend less time online, less time on the stocks. Being only 10, I really didn't understand much other than stocks must be bad. I do remember asking Mom to stop buying stocks or to sell if they were about to drop, and I was told I didn't really understand and left it at that. Of course, that was a theme that often repeated itself.
As I grew older, money became a constant concern. Mom worked hard and she provided me with all of life's necessities, but there never really seemed to be anything left over. In times when I'd get upset because of some money issue, Mom would almost always answer with something along the lines of, 'If that one stock had done what I thought it was going to do then we wouldn't have any worries.' Or, "If I hadn't had to use the money for XYZ and could have invested it like I'd wanted to, then we wouldn't be in this situation." I quickly grew tired of stocks being an excuse, and Mom and I had many arguments over this. At this point, I started to wonder if Mom had an issue. In fact, I'm fairly certain I mentioned to Hans a few times that I was nervous about getting into the stock market because I didn't trust how I would handle things. Honestly, it's still something I steer clear of when I can. Still, though, if someone had asked me, "Does your Mom have a problem with addiction?" I would have answered no (assuming we had not just had a fight). Stocks were just my mom's quirky hobby.
And then, all of a sudden, life events made my mom surprisingly financially secure. No, the stocks didn't assist in this, but I was suddenly scared of what would happen with Mom's financial security if she stayed involved in stocks. I begged her, pleaded with her, and made her promise to stay out of stocks. We came up with a business plan together; a semi-risky investment, but one I KNEW I could make work. There were so many promises. Years passed, and I kept asking Mom about this future investment, and I was told that it was there. I was told we could access it in a few years. I was told I'd have it when I needed it. And then, when it was really, truly needed, I was told it had been lost in the stocks. There was so much hurt, so much anger. She had been lying to me for years. She had wasted her future, my future, Anna's future. She had cost me years of back-breaking labor (character-building, sure, but I wouldn't mind avoiding it), and more importantly she had caused me so much heart ache. When I think about Mom's life, there's so much that I miss, but that's the one thing that makes me truly angry with her. It's the one thing that leaves me screaming up at the sky. Why did she have to lie?
OK, so Mom clearly had a stock / gambling addiction. Writing it out makes it even more obvious. How could I not notice? Oh yeah, she was my mom and I loved her. I wanted to believe the lies she told, even if I knew I really couldn't. But, as I'm learning, addiction doesn't really end with the act. There's so much more surrounding this issue than just 'Mom had problems with money.'
As you may have noted, there are trust and betrayal issues. Mom didn't want people to know her problems. She wanted to seem like one of those amazing investors who makes millions. She never told people about the $6,000 she spent on stock market books or the years she spent just barely getting by. She lied about a lot, and that's something I'm just really coming to grips with.
Then there were the people in her life. I never understood why Mom chose to be around many of the people she did. For a long time I said that Mom was too kind, too trusting, too childlike. She let people take advantage of her. To some extent that's true, but there's another side of that. Mom surrounded herself with other addicts. Many of the people she knew were alcoholics. Some of them were extreme social drinkers, some were closet drinkers, but all of them suffered from the same addiction. They also had one big thing in common: they supported Mom's addiction. They never questioned her time in the stocks, they supported her. They drew her in and encouraged her. When Mom and I would fight, when I would beg and scream for her to stop, they would whisper disparaging words about me. A few even called me out, saying that I was spoiled or a bad daughter. Mom always made excuses for them. They were just defending her. They were just upset for her. What she didn't understand, though, was that they were just causing us to drift further apart. Mom, whether she knew / understood it or not, was willing to let these people come between us because it protected her addiction. It allowed her to continue doing what she was doing, and she was giving up her family so she could continue playing her game. She never could understand why I didn't want to be around these people. Heck, for a long time I didn't understand it either, but the reality was that I wanted to protect myself from that lifestyle. If I could have, I would have protected Mom from it too.
And then there are the other, side addictions. The ones that wouldn't seem like such a big deal if it weren't for this bigger thing. Of course, there's the smoking. How many addicts have said things like, "It's no big deal." "I could quit if I wanted to." "It's not like that for me."? Mom said all that when it came to cigarettes.
And then there's the drinking. I never saw Mom drunk. Not once in my life did I see her even tipsy (she'd throw up first), but I did see her drink too much. I did come home a few times to find the bottle of wine I'd had for ages had suddenly disappeared. I did hear her say things like, "Oh, it was just a little." "Oh, I can have more glasses than usual because these glasses are small."
And lastly, there are the things I'm just not certain about. Did she really need to take as much Tramadol as she did? Was she experiencing physical pain, or was she trying to numb some emotional pain? Was it a little bit of both? When she was 2 weeks post back surgery and could barely used the bathroom on her own, did she climb the stairs and search through our cabinets to find her Percoset simply because she was so looped up on pain meds she wasn't thinking straight, or was she trying to fill a craving? Did she accidentally take her Lorazepam (for nerves) instead of her Amlodipine (for blood pressure), or was she doing some excessive self medicating and just not telling anyone? One of the hardest things about all this, is I really don't know how much of what she told me can be trusted. And I don't know if I can't trust her because she was just out of it for a while or because she was flat out lying.
You should know that writing this is extremely difficult. I hate painting my mother in this light. I love my mom. This woman who had all these issues was still a wonderful mother. She fed me, she clothed me, she sang me to sleep, she read to me at night, she went on class field trips, she took me on fun, crazy adventures, she loved me. In many ways she taught me what a good mother looks like. She gave me butterfly kisses and Eskimo kisses and doggy kisses and just plain old regular kisses. She held me when I cried and taught me that I'd always have someone there for me. She cheered me on in all my successes, and talked me through all my failures. She was wonderful, but she had a problem. She had an illness.
Mom never could admit or recognize that she had a problem. How could she when some of the people closest to her could barely recognize it? I often wonder what life might have been like if she'd sought help. In conquering one addiction would she have been able to conquer others? Would she have quit smoking sooner? Would she have had a stronger support network? Would she have surrounded herself with such toxic people? Would she have gotten cancer? Would she still be here today? It's kind of pointless to ask this now, but I can't help but wonder.
There may not be much point to this post. This may just the ramblings of a tired almost-30 year old who misses her mom. But a lot of it needs to be said. A lot of this I wish I could have spelled out for Mom. I wonder if she would have listened. So, I'm writing it for you. Maybe you knew Mom. Maybe you're in a similar situation. Maybe you're just interested in my ramblings. Whatever your reasons for reading this, thank you for reading.
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