I know a lot of mothers who will get angry at me for saying this. I also know I'm very new to this game, and I'm probably being a bit cocky. However, the first 4 months of motherhood really has not been hard. Yes, Anna and I have had horrible days. Yes, there was at least one week where I would have traded my arms if it meant I didn't have to carry her around any more. However, for the most part I have a very easy child.
Anna sleeps through the night. On average, she'll get 10 hours of sleep each night. Even on the few nights where she's woken up, she's gone back to sleep easily. Anna is a fairly stable, steady baby. She's adorable when she smiles and laughs, and her cries break my heart, but for the most part she's pretty easy going. She's often happy just sitting with me at my desk or riding around in a carrier on my chest. Anna is growing stronger each day. We had a huge moment yesterday where she rolled for the very first time, and she rolled 3 more times today.
In fact, if it weren't for Mom being sick, I'd say caring for Anna is almost easy. Mom was supposed to care for Anna when I returned to work, so things have taken a bit more planning than anticipated, and I've stayed busy, but I can't really blame that on Anna.
But then there's the other side of things. There's the side where I feel like my life has been taken away. There's that side of me that just wants a break, that side that wants to go out for a hike by myself with the dogs. There's the side of me that hates having to worry about a crying baby or pumping or planning around naps.
After much discussion, Hans and I decided to hire a mother's helper (like a nanny). I am excited for the help. I am excited to have a moment to myself. I am...terrified. What if Anna hates her? Can I really trust her? She has great references, but is she really good? What if she hates us? What if she's bored? What if the whole thing ends up being more stressful?
So, as you can see, it's a bit of an up and down. I love seeing all these moments of Anna's growth, but I'm exhausted. Anna's not the most exhausting thing in my life, but I can't help but want a break from her. I'm so grateful that Hans is so helpful when he's home, but I also can't help to occasionally get frustrated when he's not home or when he wants a break too.
Does anyone else feel this way? So far, I feel like I only hear the extremes. In fact, I tend to only hear from the mothers who aren't sleeping, whose babies are colicky or just fussy in general. So, what about all the other mothers? How are you feeling?
So... I'm not a mother yet (but man! I want to be SO badly!) so maybe I have no business commenting here... but I think your honesty is refreshing.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure I am naïve, but I keep saying to myself and others that whenever I have children, I'll be doing what I really have wanted to do my whole life: stay at home and enjoy family. But sometimes I think I have no idea what I'm talking about and won't really know until I do have those children, and maybe I will find myself crying alone in the bathroom wishing for our childless days when I could just leave the house at any moment or do anything I want to do without worrying about what to do about those kids. Or maybe it will be a combination of both? And I bet that's normal. (at least, I hope it is!)
In your situation, I don't think anyone can blame you--life threw an unexpected curveball your way right around the time you had a kid. You're juggling a LOT. So I think it's great you are getting some much needed help. We all plan our lives in our heads--but it never quite works out the way we thought it would. And I know that's probably what motherhood will probably be: full of unexpected joys AND turmoil!